


and it always has been

by mokkei



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst and Feels, M/M, Mutual Pining, THEY NEED INTIMACY, also i changed his name lol, analysis no one asked for, literally port thinking about all the shit he's gone through, mentions of other people but like mainly them, they're both fucking stupid but they have horrible coping skills ESPECIALLY PORT
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:20:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25891981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mokkei/pseuds/mokkei
Summary: afonso doesn't understand why graduating feels so bittersweet.
Relationships: Netherlands/Portugal (Hetalia)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 12





	and it always has been

**Author's Note:**

> it's one in the morning yall and I wanted to write port being fucked up and yeah

Afonso once again isn't really sure what the fuck he is doing. He does know how he feels though: happy. He knows that the blissful buzz radiating through tonight is not just from the smidge of beer he had leaving the party or the freedom he tasted when he finally got the diploma or even the uncomfortable weight of his twenty-year-old jacket that he refuses to discard because he just thinks too damn highly of it. 

He knows it's because of him. 

And for the last year or so it has been because of Abel. Not because they were in love. Afonso isn't sure if he's in love because he has never really been in love. Holding hands with the girl your mother pushed you into at mass does not qualify for love. Kissing someone because you want to know how it feels doesn't make him love a shaky-handed, wide-eyed boy. Screwing around with anyone who asks you does not make him romantic in any sense. 

That's how it had been before _he_ came into his life. Before Afonso laid his hands on him it was pure attraction and then the moment they kiss, the moment he gets to grab his shoulders and be grabbed himself causes him to lose part of his self-control. Because now he knows how it feels to hold and be held, but as much as he wants to reciprocate he can't fathom why he might waste his time when this feeling will have to fade. 

Life is really proving him to be a bitch and has been for the past year because no matter who he sleeps with or what he occupies himself with, the day begins with Abel's sluggish grimace in parking slot fifty-five and ends with a grunt and wave as he leaves. It's a hybrid car and in much better condition than the piece of shit Alfonso drives into slot fifty-six. 

"You know," Afonso taps his cigarette on the hood of the expensive car just to piss off Abel, "I can't believe we actually made it through this. Well, can't believe _I_ actually made it through." 

He's not sure if he's referencing school anymore. 

"Mm," A quiet grunt. Afonso will have to work with that tonight. Perhaps Abel is tired of the beer. It wasn't sitting well with him either. He thinks. 

They'd driven themselves out past the weeds of Francis' home. There was no way Afonso's clunker was going to go out past the driveway and make it back so they reclined on a sturdy hood staring aimlessly and at one another. At least out here, they could be alone. No one really liked the smoke they produced anyways. 

Afonso isn't sure why Abel agreed to come out here alone with him since he won't make eye contact with him for more than two seconds at a time. If Afonso wasn't so intrigued by him he might just push him off the hood and leave. What was there to party about anyways? His life wasn't going to be much different. He was still going to work with his dad in the back of the shop. All that changed was his certificate that told everyone he sat through class and barely passed. No, tonight he came with Abel, for Abel. He had jokingly mentioned he didn't want the other to see lonesome at a party, but in reality, he knew Abel had friends and he simply wanted to follow like a puppy.

It seems he's done that for quite some time now. Never did he expect Abel, business club asshole extraordinaire, to talk to him let alone allow him to seduce him into casual sex. It was good and Afonso enjoyed it more than he did with others. Good was an understatement gone wrong. Abel ignited something inside of him he wasn't sure how to name. Afonso spent countless nights laying next to him expecting an eager start, but they kissed for so long - too long - and his larger hand felt so nice when it strokes his hair out of his face. Abel was attentive to him, always closed his eyes when they kissed even when Afonso didn't, and cupped his cheeks in his hands without leaving those hard red prints. No one had ever touched him so gently before.

That's when the longing began. Physical first, and then he got attached to Abel in the worst way possible. Now he finds just about everything that makes the blonde tick attractive. His hands look so rough but they are more padded than Afonso's slender ones. His sweet tooth is outrageous and he takes his coffee full of sugar. Afonso found that out after stealing a sip at lunch and promptly gagging. Abel had laughed at him then enough to shake his robust shoulders. Afonso's stature isn't anything above average. Yet, Abel's height is impressive enough to be an immediate factor you always notice, but the animals he cares for make him look all the smaller in Afonso's eyes. No matter the natural competitiveness and gruffness Abel manages to give off, there is no lie in saying that he cares more about his family than Afonso can ever remember himself doing.

Afonso hates that he feels this way. 

Even now when they're usually sharing cigarettes and blabbering gossip heard from bathroom stalls about people they could honestly care less about, Afonso finds himself utterly lost for words. Something about tonight is just not right. They should be happy. They've got their entire lives ahead of them here. No more high school, no more shitty teachers who scold him for smoking when he knows it's bad, no more lunches together, no more scooting their desks a tad bit closer to one another, and no more stairwell flirting. Afonso feels a cold heat flutter through his chest as it tightens.

Afonso raps his fingers on the hood, bored and on the last limb of his cigarette, "That suit is nice," He tries to match Abel's eyes but the other is still staring at a moonless night sky, "I could see you in the back of the car with half of it off."

Abel didn't even give him a sound of approval. Whatever mood he had been trying to instigate feels to be floundering. 

So he scoots a little closer, eyes the hand that's not holding a cigarette and reaches for it blindly. Afonso knows he can find it. 

"I'm leaving." 

The words cut through the air. 

No. No. No.

"What?" Afonso looked around them and then laughed, "Okay? Are you that fucking tired? All we did was sit out here and drink half a beer."

Abel finally looked at him but it didn't feel the way Afonso remember it. This was grief. 

"I told you. I'm leaving," Abel finally pulls the cigarette down from his mouth, "The internship, the one we all applied for the club. I got it," he shrugs his shoulder, "and it's out of the country, but I can start as soon as the university begins."

Afonso forgets Abel has dreams and aspirations and everything he doesn't because he's unsure of _everything_ he has in his life. What future did he have here fixing cars and listening to his father's silence? Abel had everything laid out and Afonso knew, but he chose to ignore it. And it turns out that was the worst thing he could do. 

"Oh," he feels the breath get knocked from his body, his hands clam up, and he's no longer going to grab his hand because it feels like there is no longer a hand to reach for. 

Abel doesn't say anything to him, doesn't look at him, doesn't drag back his cigarette for another puff, no, all he does is stare at the nothingness in the sky that night. Afonso feels sick. 

It takes everything in him to laugh, "Wow," He hears the croak in his voice before he can slide off the hood and crush his empty can in his pocket, "big shot out here outshining the rest of us!" His hands shake as he reaches for his menthols, stomping the ashes of his dropped cigarette into the ground.

Abel glanced at him, but Afonso _doesn't_ want it now, he desperately wanted Abel to just look away from him _please_ for just a second longer so he can _get out_ of here.

His throat is tight. He doesn't want to speak anymore - he can't. 

When his phone is safely tucked away in his back pocket, Afonso drones everything out. Abel still sits there on the hood while Afonso all but bolts towards the lights of the house from the field and thinks about who he can mooch a free ride home from. He hopes that the tears pricking at the corners of his eyes dry before he reaches the door. Afonso hates the way he feels.

He never stood a chance.


End file.
